Grief? Self-Pity? Complain? – Part II

After some thought and a lot of research on self-identity and how to find ‘me’ again since suffering from grief due to loss, there’s a gentle whisper saying ‘share this’ with the hopes that someone, somewhere will have a lightbulb click on. If you haven’t read the grief post and would like to, click here. It’s not by any means a professional piece of work, only a simple view from a simple person who is learning how to carry on when you lose your self-identity.

To be specific with terms that are important, I have borrowed a few insights from Wikipedia.com for ease of explanation. These terms are what I will be referring to for the discussion of this post and, more specifically, my life and yours. Very basic information but enough to get a thought rolling.

Self-concept (self-identity) – beliefs about oneself (possibly embodies the answer “Who am I”)

Self-awareness – self-knowledge that is clearly defined, consistent and currently applicable to one’s attitudes and dispositions (I am a good person)

Self-esteem – self-worth (I feel good about me because I’m a good person)

When you suffer grief due to loss of someone or something that is completely attached as part of your own identity, you have lost yourself with the loss and you struggle to ‘find’ yourself again. In other words, you must rebuild your self-identity to not include the person or thing that was inherent to your identity. The “Who am I” question comes to the forefront because that’s exactly where you are during this time, wondering just that. The loss does not only include the person/thing gone from you but also your own sense of self. It’s like walking underwater – it’s all real but it just isn’t right.

How much does our self-awareness change when our identity become construed and our path seems off kilter? That’s a good question. The basics would still be there, I would guess, but other things might appear in reference to exposure from grief. ‘I’m still a good person,” but my temper is shorter, you say, or my patience is thinner or I don’t really care about that too much right now, or I’ll help someone tomorrow. It can change, whether we realize it or someone else see’s it. It happens and, if you are honest with yourself, you hope some sweet soul will find it in their heart to help you with it because……….it’s all so confusing and you need a little help thinking outside your own little box.

Self-esteem has probably been kicked to the curb, kicked back, been around the block, thrown in the trash and kicked back out into the street. Why? Because your self-worth has taken a hard hit. You suffered (fiddle, everybody suffers!) and hid within yourself so good everybody thought you were fine, handling all this loss so well. Little did they know you were fighting all those demons within yourself and you realized you weren’t feeling so hot about yourself anymore. Everything was a secret, you didn’t know how to deal with it all, you were overwhelmed, too many “I’m sorry’s” or ‘let me know if you need me for anything.” Yea. But somebody to help by really taking the bull by the horns and setting your aim towards the light that IS at the end of the tunnel? Nobody wants that task. It’s in you. Hence, very limited or no self-worth. You just don’t have it in you unless you’re really strong and let’s face it, now is not when you’re too strong.

asCurrently, there is no love or help or anything positive for me to draw on in my little world other than sharing any insight I think that may possibly help another. There may be a way to grow in this type of environment but I haven’t learned the secret to that one yet. I do know that a continuous negative environment will, in no way, help you gain the upper hand in trying to help yourself. You see, I know I’m a relatively good and decent person, I just don’t like the person I am right now BECAUSE I’m allowing things to happen that were NEVER part of my identity before the loss. I HAVE made the decision to fix that but I also MUST wait until one particular task is accomplished before I can get out of dodge. That’s not an excuse – that pure, plain reality. I’m much more self-aware than I had given myself credit for – I SEE what goes on around me, how it affects others and how it can and does affect me. I will no longer allow my ability to help another be affected anymore by my inability to help myself because of grief. I may have lost some of my identity but I still know the deep down me.

This may be totally useless words when read by those in the know of the ‘self’ concepts. Me? I’m really just learning. Really learning. So, if you know someone out there that might need a little push or a little word or someone who truly appreciates honesty from an honest person, give a hand or share a hug. To a hurting person, that might be the very crossover from negative to positive.

Any and ALL comments/thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

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2 thoughts on “Grief? Self-Pity? Complain? – Part II

  1. Dear LN,
    I just found your blog through your Sept 7 post, which was shared on Facebook. I haven’t read but a few posts, but I think we have a lot in common. My father, who lived with me, died on July 3. I am feeling kind of stuck – at least, that’s what I think I’m feeling. I am coping as best I can. I have decided to sell everything an buy an Airstream and travel the country for a few years. That decision has given me a little bit of direction, but I don’t really care too much at this point. I don’t care too much about much these days. I have lost a lot of things that gave me a sense of identity in the past three years. I am tired and I’m not sure which way to go.

  2. Kim, you are not alone although I know that is exactly what you are feeling right now. My father died in August of last year so I’ve had one year to adjust, or flip flop around, trying to figure out who or what or why I was anymore. I think we can relate in more ways than one concerning your loss and subsequent grief. I’m no expert, just a little humble person sharing my own insights from things I’ve tried desperately to figure out. Not caring is part of it; after all this time, most days it still seems I don’t care. I know a change of pace is in order to get the mind back on track but it’s hard to figure out what that might be. Your Airstream traveling idea is a good one, in my opinion. It will get you ‘out of your situation’ and into a world where there are many people who’s lives are the same, yet different, and they can share their beautiful selves with you and you can grow on that positive of those moments. It’s not easy, as you well know, and I wonder if it ever truly goes away. But I, like you, have intentions of doing the same travel experience as soon as my ‘task’ bestowed upon me is complete. Getting away can leave the humdrum behind and give you a chance to really learn to identify and figure out your ‘new’ identity without your loved one, something we probably never imagined, or even thought about before. Kim, I’m keeping you in my thoughts because I now just how tough this is. We don’t know each other but sometimes those people are actually the best one. I would really like to keep up with you and know how you are doing. My email address is listed (when yahoo decides to work) or you can message me through “The Laughing Nanny” facebook page. Please know I would be more than willing to listen and yes, I’m sure there is much that you can show and teach me along the very same lines. I wish you the best and please, let me know how you are managing, when you start, what kind of Airstream, where you might would like to go. No matter the reasons for NEEDING to do this, you are in for some interesting experiences and adventures. Sometimes, it’s the strangest things that can knock us back on track again. Sending many good and positive thoughts your way! 🙂

    Shelli

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