Knocking on Heaven’s Door – When It’s Your Time

Why did I take a break?

Plain and simply, the body needed a break, and I had no choice in the matter. That would be the truth although at that time, I didn’t realize I didn’t have much of a choice.

A while back I wrote a post on my illness, gastroparesis https://shelli1963.wordpress.com/2013/09/11/its-a-matter-of-choice, which affected me severely this last time.

No, it’s not usually so much a problem just getting through that, when it comes to communication and sharing. What was the problem, however, was the lack of sleep that took place, or maybe I should say didn’t take place. I wrote about this in my personal journal on August 28th so I knew the exact when of how long this had been going on.

I basically did not sleep for three weeks straight. Sleep aids did not work because the drugs couldn’t get to where they needed to metabolize so therefore, I tried not to take them and live in the perpetual state of grogginess due to unprocessed sleep aids.

After leaving the doctor’s office this past Monday without any sleep aids due to wanting this test or that test first, I was on my last leg. I was no longer coherent, was living in a fog, knew I had enough and was headed for a meltdown if the opportunity arose. And, I’m sorry to say, it did. It took away everything I considered important in my life.

My body, though, was determined to heal itself, regardless of everything else going on. Lack of sleep for this long period had ripped life to shreds. There was no way to make it through each day. I couldn’t drive because I couldn’t concentrate. I had to quit fixing anything to eat that required simple cooking after I caught a pan on fire. There were other things I did that scared me which I won’t share so I knew this couldn’t continue. Something had to give.

Monday afternoon, I could feel my body wanting to mellow out, not that it would or could sleep but I knew something was going on, just didn’t know what it was yet. As afternoon turned into evening and darkness came, I felt different than any other night the past weeks. I still wasn’t sleepy, didn’t really have a desire to sleep, but I knew somehow my body was doing something to fix itself.

As time progressed into the darkest of night, things began to mellow out even more. Nothing was better but I was being made to calm down and relax. Not drug induced or mind controlled by me but by my body or brain. I can remember looking at the time in the early morning darkness, feeling relaxed and peaceful for the first time ever. I lay there under the cover of darkness, looking out the window as my eyes kept closing.

Peaceful.

Still not sleepy.

Going to sleep anyway.

I kept opening my eyes to looking out the window. So peaceful. My mind was speaking to me, telling me that I was finally going to sleep again and yes, I might not wake up. That’s okay. Everything was okay. It was the most peaceful experience I’ve ever had. My mind didn’t tell me I was dying but it told me it was okay if I didn’t want to wake up. I was good with that.

I fell asleep.

It was all right.

Even if I didn’t wake up.

And I woke up.

With a clear head, a good frame of mind and weak as a kitten. I can remember so many things running through my mind while I was asleep those few hours, the crazy, mundane stuff that didn’t seem to matter but did….or maybe vice versa. Somehow, it worked itself all out. But I was so tired. I fell asleep again, woke up again, fell asleep again and woke up the next morning to a beautiful, fall-like day.

Something to be truly grateful for.

Sleep depravation took a lot of me. I am still weak and my head still feels foggy although nowhere near as incoherent as it did earlier this week and last weekend. That’s why I couldn’t write. I just couldn’t think during that time. I lost weeks of life.

Now, when I think and compartmentalize what happened during this time, I knew that I was knocking on heaven’s door and I won this time. What it taught me was I’ve only been given X amount of time to live life to the best of my ability. I’m about self somewhat too but I’m more inclined to love people, help them and be a friend. Life as I know it does not have the kind or amount of love, caring and compassion that I choose to have. What is considered my duty because of the title is not fulfilling the needs within me so I can help fulfill the needs in someone else. It’s time for some changes.

The tummy will not get better and I hope to be better prepared in the future if I should be attacked by another severe case of sleep depravation but, to be honest, I wouldn’t have seen things then like I see things now if this ‘near life’ experience hadn’t happened.

So, I’m grateful.

I may not be ‘The Laughing Nanny’ anymore while the needs are more important than what the title can give. So be it. We are all just humans, trying to make it in this world the best way we can. Forget the ones I love? Never. That’s not even possible. I must make the best choice for me. Whether it’s accepted or not is not on me. However, I haven’t done all I can do.

Knocking on heaven’s door can change your perspective somewhat. Thankfully, it wasn’t a tragic experience but it was very enlightening. Still, once again, I am grateful that it happened. And that’s it over. And I hope it doesn’t happen again.

I am glad to be back. 🙂

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